I think I figured out the solution to my parenting problems. I’m going to join a nudist colony. I should probably join one in a warmer state, but after I hash out all the details I’ll figure out where I’m going to go.
I came up with my grand plan this morning in the shower. For those of you who aren’t parents to young children, a shower means quiet time in hot water to think and reflect. Perhaps you sing a little ditty. Maybe you shave your legs, or exfoliate your skin. For parents, a shower is a really quick experience where you wash off the peanut butter that somehow got on your elbow (that’s probably been there for many more hours than you thought).
So anyway, I was finally in the bathroom. This is after I had put Ella down for her nap and gave Harrison a freezy pop for his snack. He’d been talking about freezy pops since we woke up (four hours prior) so I was sure this wasn’t a rash decision and he was happy with his choice. I had the hot water running and I was grabbing for a wash cloth when Harrison ran in proclaiming that he did not, after all, fancy a freezy pop for his snack and that he would prefer goldfish crackers instead. Mind you, I’m stark naked at the time. My dear son sees nothing wrong with this. Why shouldn’t naked Mommy prance into the kitchen with all the curtains open and nearby neighbors to get me a snack? What’s the big deal? In order to get some peace, and I REALLY needed a shower, I threw on a towel and got the goldfish.
After I got into the shower, I remembered that yesterday’s bathing experience was also a debacle. That time, Ella was awake and Harrison was napping. It is a rare event that I ever take a shower when Ella is awake because she is deathly afraid that I’m never going to come back out from behind the shower curtain. I tried to explain to her that this was not the Wizard of Oz, but the reference was lost on her. In her terror, she pushed back the curtain and attempted to join me in the tub. I had to hold her out of the shower with my foot, and wipe myself off with the other. Even still, I’m not sure who was more wet after the experience.
Following my really quick shower, I tried to get dressed. I had gotten as far as leggings and a bra when Harrison came knocking on my door. This time he wanted to watch a show.
“I’m not dressed Harrison. You’ll have to wait.”
Blank stare. “I want to watch Handy Manny.”
“Harrison, I’m still not dressed.”
All of this got me to thinking. If we lived in a nudist colony, I could walk around naked and get snacks for my children whenever they pleased. Ella would live in the nudist colony too, so I wouldn’t have had to change her clothes after she got soaked from MY shower. And think of all the other solutions. Potty training? No big deal. Who needs underpants anyway? Meal time messes? Just spray the kids off. No need for a change of clothes. As a matter of fact, I could join a hippie nudist colony where there was no need for showering or clothing. That would eliminate the crisis of what on earth my children are doing when I’m in the shower. Yes I think I’m on to something for all parents with small children. Nakedness and smelliness.