Mayfair

Today, we went downtown for Mayfair, a city wide yard sale and get-out-of-your-house-because-its-nice event. It was truly a gorgeous day, especially appreciated after so many snowy and rainy months we’ve had to spend inside. I was delighted to get out of the house with my little family and prance them around town in search of fun things to do.

There were two problems: 1. Justin was sick and 2. Harrison was a jerk. There’s pretty much nothing worse than a sick man-husband, but I won’t dwell on that now, primarily because he reads everything I write. Couple that with a cranky kid, and my fantasies of outdoor bliss just simply flew out the metaphorical window.

So there we were in the middle of downtown, with the rest of our city’s population milling about and Justin informs Harrison that they must hold hands to cross the street. Oh. My. Word. You would have thought Justin asked H to rip off his hand and throw it in the river. So Harrison starts flailing about and screaming as only toddlers do. His degree of irrationality simply amazes me because I, I am extremely irrational, and he makes me look like a wet noodle.

He’s acting the way I might act if you told me champagne was discontinued, or if yoga pants went out of style. I would be completely irate. But this was NO BIG DEAL. We hold hands every time we cross the street. I am positive Harrison was playing on Justin’s sick-man short temper, thinking he could manipulate the situation to meet his own desires. An absolute breakdown occurred on Front Street, and there was nothing we could do to stop it. So, we quietly let him work out his anger with shouts and whines and wiggles of discontent. Then the looks come. Then the stares. Could he be getting abducted? Is he in danger?, they think. Should we intervene?

But, all of a sudden, the light of knowledge flickered in the onlookers’ eyes. Oh. He’s angry. He’s a toddler. There is nothing we can do. To those people who averted their eyes, thank you. To those people who gave sympathetic glances, I am so happy to know I’m not the only one with an irrational offspring. To the few condescending, holier-than-thou individuals who looked at my sweet sweet family with disgust, I’m not fooled. Your skeletons are still inside your closet. But my perfect imperfections are strolling along beside me in their double jogging stroller because I’m proud of them. I’m proud my sick husband endured illness to spend the day with his family. I’m proud my son is expressing himself. I’m proud I didn’t disappoint myself by spending the day inside at home despite a few challenges. My husband is going to feel better. My kid is going to learn to express his emotions appropriately, But you, you’re going to go home and be disappointed in yourself way more than you were with my family’s behavior. Stop judging and start loving, my neighbors.

Derby

So, Justin is laying on the couch watching the Kentucky Derby coverage. Harrison repeatedly asks to watch a show, and Justin replies that he may, but only once the Derby is over.

There must be hundreds of horses on television, but the second a commercial comes on with a beautiful, partially dressed woman beside a beach, holding the reins to her horse, Harrison announces, “Hey Dada, this is the show you’ve been waiting for!” Boy does this boy have his dad pegged.

Coffee

Today started many, many hours ago. I woke up around 5:15 to Ella yelling “yummy” from her crib. We think that means milk. Or maybe banana. In any regards, it does not mean, “I want to go back to sleep.” Shortly after Ella’s noise, I got a text message. Who, pray tell, texts before 6 am? Well, other mom friends of course.

My friend Lauren was already wondering if I wanted to go get coffee. She lives down the street, and her son apparently caught the early train to wake-up land as well.

But here’s the problem. No place in town is open at sunrise. Not the number one breakfast place. Not the grocery store. Not even, and in my interests, most importantly, the coffee shop.

So there we were, anxiously awaiting 7:30, left to ponder our pre-coffee misery in the presence of wide eyed children.

In order to kill time before the cafe opened, I did some laundry. Ella tested out the box fan to see what would happen if she stuck her fingers in it. Luckily it was off. Harrison woke up and immediately asked to do fun things. WTF dude? It’s not even light out.

When we finally did get to the cafe, we set up camp on some comfy couches where the kids could snuggle up and read with us or from where they could sit quietly in the toy section of the shop. Instead, they ran rampant through the tables like pinballs. I am pretty sure this has nothing to do with the fact that we gave them cookies before breakfast. We were considering their behavior exemplary because A) None of our three combined children escaped out the front door onto the busy street (this actually happens on a regular basis) and B) Harrison did not hit any children with the toy ladle from the kitchen like last time.

We got some side-eyes from childless patrons-get this-looking for a peaceful place to enjoy their morning cup of joe. Ha! No, my fellow townsfolk! We are all awake now, and we are going to share with you the vexation that is morning time with toddlers. They always say that it takes a village, and you indeed are part of our village. Of course there were some smiling onlookers, but those were the same people, I noticed, that were taking their coffee to go. Sorry but not sorry, fellow coffee drinkers. Us mamas need that caffeine the most.

PS-Be sure to like my new Facebook page https://www.facebook.com/livefromtimeout?ref=aymt_homepage_panel

Potty Talk

We’ve overcome the hurdle that is potty training with Harrison. It was a lot easier than I anticipated, since usually these kinds of milestones come with a litany of crises. Some people say boys are easier to train; others say girls are. I’ll let you know my stance on that argument once we train Ella (check back in a few years).

Harrison has a few things about this bathroom business figured out.

1. He loves an audience. As a matter of fact, he insisted everyone in child watch at the gym report to the stall to watch him pee last week. Twice. In one night. Luckily the other kids were good sports.

2. Poop is awesome. Every time he poops, he stands up to inspect his work. He’s always quite impressed with what he sees. Recent comments include, “Look Mom! Look how many!” and “Wow, it looks like an elephant!”

3. He must be a distant relative of Elvis. Now, I’ve heard the cheerio trick, where you put a cheerio in the toilet to help boys aim. This wouldn’t fly with my kid. He’s figured out that gyrating his hips makes for much more fun when taking a leak. He likes to yell out “Wahooo!” while he’s doing it. Fantastic.

4. When you have to go in public, it’s best to yell about it real loud so Mom and Dad will take you as fast as possible. We were at a somewhat important event at my father-in-law’s place of employment, and Harrison, out of the blue (and in the middle of a tour) screamed, “Mama, I have to go stink right now!” You can guess what stink is. So could the rest of the shipyard.

5. He’s got some room to grow. Apparently, a few weeks ago, Harrison was bemoaning the size of his, well you know. Justin reassured him that he’d grow soon, and that it wasn’t anything to worry about. How on earth does my two year old already have a concept of the “size matters” theory?!

6. This is the only time in life someone’s going to tell you to focus on your penis. I have caught myself WAY TOO MANY times yelping out, “Pay attention to your penis!” when Harrison gets distracted midstream and starts to make a mess. I need to find a way to let him know that no woman will ever say this to him again.

I think all parents should pride themselves on the completion of this milestone. After all, who would your kid be if he or she couldn’t pee alone on the potty? It’s a big deal.

We’re really loving life over here in Lightning McQueen underpants.

Baltimore

I am WAY out of the current events loop. I make a valiant attempt to watch the news each morning, but it’s harder than you think. H is constantly asking to watch a show as soon as he wakes up, and then there’s a need for milk, and then of course the obligatory morning poop, which both my children feel the need to do before my first cup of coffee. Well, it was hard to miss the headlines about the Baltimore rioting, and thankfully the news hit my Facebook page. That way I was able to read about it instead of trying to hear about over my children’s endless demands.

I really don’t know where I stand on the whole thing, because, as I said, I was distracted by my children so I didn’t get a good handle on all of the details. On one hand, why the hell are people burning down a drug store over the death of a man? I get it, I get the importance and the significance of the death. But it’s a drug store. And then I wonder what in God’s name are cops doing THROWING rocks at people? Isn’t there a more, umm, adult way of going about things?

But, I am not a news blogger. I am a mommy blogger. And that is what brings me to write about this particular topic. We all saw the mom in the yellow shirt hauling her son off the scene of the crime. Many people were so impressed that this woman took ownership of her child that they began to refer to her as Mom of the Year.  I mean, where are the other people’s moms during all of this? But then I watched the video. The mom of the kid who was committing violent and abusive crimes was beating the absolute shit out of her kid. Talk about the pot calling the kettle black. This struck me as wrong, and I cringed every time she slapped her son. I was pulled away from these images by a request for cereal, but they did not leave my mind.

I thought long and hard about this mom and her son, as I am sure many mothers of sons have been doing over the last few days. At first I wanted to proclaim that this mom was doing the right thing because she came and removed her kid from the situation. Then I was mortified because she was hitting him. After all, her son was obviously using the tactics with which he was raised to attempt to solve a problem and stand up for his beliefs. That video doesn’t show us how the mother was brought up. That mother doesn’t tell us anything about her life. And yet millions of us are going to sit in our living rooms and judge her. How many times did she cry because she couldn’t get to the grocery store with unruly small children hanging out of the shopping cart? Did she stay up late at night with her kid when he was sick (and where were the video cameras then?) What were her child’s parent teacher conferences like? Could she even attend them, or was she working? How was she raised? Did she suffer abuse herself? For whichever side you’re on, if you’re taking a stance about this woman’s actions, you’re passing judgment. So many moms and dads are willing to do this these days, and in truth, most of us are doing the very best with the hand we were dealt.

Nakedness

I think I figured out the solution to my parenting problems. I’m going to join a nudist colony. I should probably join one in a warmer state, but after I hash out all the details I’ll figure out where I’m going to go.

I came up with my grand plan this morning in the shower. For those of you who aren’t parents to young children, a shower means quiet time in hot water to think and reflect. Perhaps you sing  a little ditty. Maybe you shave your legs, or exfoliate your skin. For parents, a shower is a really quick experience where you wash off the peanut butter that somehow got on your elbow (that’s probably been there for many more hours than you thought).

So anyway, I was finally in the bathroom. This is after I had put Ella down for her nap and gave Harrison a freezy pop for his snack. He’d been talking about freezy pops since we woke up (four hours prior) so I was sure this wasn’t a rash decision and he was happy with his choice. I had the hot water running and I was grabbing for a wash cloth when Harrison ran in proclaiming that he did not, after all, fancy a freezy pop for his snack and that he would prefer goldfish crackers instead. Mind you, I’m stark naked at the time. My dear son sees nothing wrong with this. Why shouldn’t naked Mommy prance into the kitchen with all the curtains open and nearby neighbors to get me a snack? What’s the big deal? In order to get some peace, and I REALLY needed a shower, I threw on a towel and got the goldfish.

After I got into the shower, I remembered that yesterday’s bathing experience was also a debacle. That time, Ella was awake and Harrison was napping. It is a rare event that I ever take a shower when Ella is awake because she is deathly afraid that I’m never going to come back out from behind the shower curtain. I tried to explain to her that this was not the Wizard of Oz, but the reference was lost on her. In her terror, she pushed back the curtain and attempted to join me in the tub. I had to hold her out of the shower with my foot, and wipe myself off with the other. Even still, I’m not sure who was more wet after the experience.

Following my really quick shower, I tried to get dressed. I had gotten as far as leggings and a bra when Harrison came knocking on my door. This time he wanted to watch a  show.

“I’m not dressed Harrison.  You’ll have to wait.”

Blank stare. “I want to watch Handy Manny.”

“Harrison, I’m still not dressed.”

Blank stare.

All of this got me to thinking. If we lived in a nudist colony, I could walk around naked and get snacks for my children whenever they pleased. Ella would live in the nudist colony too, so I wouldn’t have had to change her clothes after she got soaked from MY shower. And think of all the other solutions. Potty training? No big deal. Who needs underpants anyway? Meal time messes? Just spray the kids off. No need for a change of clothes. As a matter of fact, I could join a hippie nudist colony where there was no need for showering or clothing. That would eliminate the crisis of what on earth my children are doing when I’m in the shower. Yes I think I’m on to something for all parents with small children. Nakedness and smelliness.